Breaking the Silent Barriers – Been there, not done it- I am alive to tell my story!
I have had the closest association with this dreadful condition called as “depression” and by closest, I mean my own self. My first realization that I was suffering with depression was when I was 15. I probably had it much earlier but the realization kind of hit me in the face one afternoon. I have not had a very congenial childhood or maternal bonding. That is a sense of deprivation that I live with till date. We never saw eye to eye on most issues and I was always on the receiving end of criticism. Mothers shield their children always is what I have always believed and seen with most but mine threw me to the wolves to fend for myself when it came to such situations in life, quoting some idealistic values that had no meaning for me as a child who was looking up at her parent for support during difficult times. She was a perfectionist so nothing I did was ever right. The various incidents only made me a rebel. I realised I was not living a normal childhood. There was no love at home. We were a dysfunctional family living a façade. As a 15-year-old, I remember speaking to a friend, who was more of a mentor and telling her how I was feeling low and depressed. I was losing interest in life and did not feel like doing anything.
My parents were totally engrossed in their own conflicts and barely seemed to have any time or interest in me or how I was feeling. There was no hope and no desire to continue living. It seemed like an unending maze with no opening, a dark and dreaded tunnel with no light at the end. A series of continuous episodes happened in school and a sense of humiliation, the mere memory of which, gives me goose bumps till date. My feelings of self-loathing and dejection only kept growing with no one I could open up to. In spite of all that I was going through internally, I had always projected a very sunny and bright exterior and was always surrounded by a huge circle of friends, none of whom was aware of my pain. A chirpy exterior camouflaging an utterly chaotic interior.
It was one such dreadful night where I realised the futility of living and how I should put an end to the misery by ending my life. There was no reasoning. I could see nothing beyond stopping the hopelessness I was going through. Earlier in the day I had written down my feelings, a note that people could read and perhaps understand my state of mind and why I took the step.
DEPRESSION Today, I feel simply depressed, with great difficulty, my tears I ‘ve supressed. Sometimes my strength does break and I begin to wonder if my life were a mistake! My eyes are filled with unshed tears, pondering over wounded feelings that pierce. The sleepless nights have started while peace from my life has departed! There are times when I feel terribly insecure something for which I can never find the cure. Life around me seems like an uncongenial sphere. how I long to have a companion or someone near! Gone with wind is my interest & concentration, buried very deep is my lost aim & ambition. Distant & far away seem people, even my own. In this dark & mysterious world, I feel terribly alone! Repeated pleas, I make to God and every day I say —“please Lord, Take me away today, To some place peaceful & gay!!
As I waited that night for the dreaded but welcome darkness, my mind was running over various ways of ending my life. Suicides don’t come with a manual, luckily and I had no clue how I was going to do it. I remember crying into my pillow, apologising to my father quietly, knowing this would break his heart. The more I thought about it, the stronger my resolve and I knew this had to end. With all my grit, I sat up in bed to carry out my last act, when the phone (usually kept by my bedside) rang. It was an unusually unearthly hour for anyone to have called me. To my utter shock, it was my dear friend and mentor calling me up in the middle of the night because she felt a sense of unease about my welfare. “Are you alright?”, she asked in a frantic voice and I broke down completely. I don’t know and can’t understand that mysterious power or connect which brought a sense of fear and unease in her that made her call me so late in the night. I was scared, confused and absolutely shaken. I confessed to her about what I was going to do at that point and I remember her howling from the other end, shouting and yet comforting, asking me how I could even let go of my precious life. It was not mine to end it like I planned to. She held on to the call until the wee hours, listening to me, ensuring I did nothing. I had survived!
I was not a coward nor was I planning an easy exit. It was a sense of deep anguish and a helplessness that made me decide I had to do it. That phone call, on that fateful night, changed my life for ever. I lived through that night, perhaps the longest one in my life and one that lengthened my life for me to live to this day to tell this story. Shit happens. Relationships do not work out. Friends turn into strangers. The ones we love dearly, forsake us. We do not always get what we want in life. Life goes on…. To those who are going through difficult periods, I can only tell you that you are not weak but the strongest for living through the pain and putting up with a calm and brave front. One has rightly said, the strongest people are the ones who are silently battling their internal battles that the world knows nothing about. Accept yourself. Find your tribe, speak out. Don’t isolate yourself. You are special and you deserve the best there is. Don’t give up but fight for it. To the know it all’s, there is not much one can do to offer comfort. Do not say you understand because you don’t have a clue as to what a victim is going through. Refrain from giving admonishing sermons as that is neither the time nor does the person have the bandwidth to comprehend what you want to convey. Do not ask for reasons, stop asking questions and avoid unnecessary talking with the aim to divert. The best thing you could do at times for people you love and know are going through depression and need help, is just be there. Watch out for sudden behavioural changes or mood swings. Keep checking in often. Be there to let them know you care and are listening. A silent hug can go a long way as against the cacophony of a thousand meaningless words! Just be there, to let them know you care! Perhaps another life could be saved….. Here’s a true story of a suicide survivor, who made it to tell her experience with the dreaded depression. Battling a dysfunctional family and a difficult childhood, she speaks of her pain and a miracle that gave her a new lease of life. The writer wishes to be anonymous.
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