Breaking the Silent Barriers – ABUSE

Heartache, pent up stress and anger, issues that are beyond comprehension. Shit happens. Life is all about ebb and flow. There are good times and then there are the ugly ones. Moments one wishes had never taken place. Thoughts one might want to bury ASAP. The pain and anguish of being helplessly caught in a situation for no fault of one but bearing it silently. Again, for no reason. One might want to give it the excuse of having no choice but to live with a situation that continuously brings in pain. Not making a choice for oneself to get out of the same takes another level of passionate belief. Belief in an optimistic hope that the situation will not repeat itself. A self-proclaimed idea that it’s all going to be fine here after. Fairy tale endings only happen in the books. Truth is hard hitting. What is it that makes a victim of abuse continue in the relationship? Life in an abusive relationship can be far from normal for anyone living it. One might believe there is enough love to make things normal or the belief that it’s a temporary phase and things will get better soon. What one fails to see is that it becomes a repetitive pattern and so very important that one doesn’t get caught in the web. It’s a directionless maze leading to nowhere. In a situation that is not conducive, it’s critical to keep a sound mind, a task not very easy to execute but nonetheless is a requirement. One can get caught in the web of emotions, the trap of relationships and the pressure of fitting into the society’s architecture of what is deemed acceptable and what isn’t. What people think becomes the focus rather than what is right and what needs to be done. What if becomes more important than what is and what should be. Often, the victim continues to live in the abusive relationship for various reasons only best known and understood by the victim. It could be for lack of financial independence, or self esteem that is tattered along the way, taking in the abuses. There is a strong tendency for the victim to lose the sense of “self-worth” and to believe there is something wrong with the victim. It could be for the belief that continuing in the abusive relationship would provide for a safe upbringing for the children, so on and so forth. There is no plausible reasoning or understanding on why a victim chooses to suffer and live through the abuse. Abusive relationships don’t necessarily have to be just spouses, it happens between siblings, parent -child, care takers, professional colleagues and even friends. If there are no bruises, no broken bones, no black eyes, doesn’t necessarily mean no abuse. It is extremely important to understand and identify the many facets of abuse which could be mental, emotional, psychological. It’s easy to identify most obvious signs of abuse but when one is in the midst of a recurring and persistent abusive behaviour, one tends to lose sight of the boundaries that define the very word. No matter who you are or what the relationship is, no one deserves to be abused! The first step in surviving an abusive relationship is to understand and realise that it is an abusive relationship. What are the signs of abuse? Criticism & Humiliation Persistent listing out of one’s inadequacies, to the point that one completely loses his or her self-esteem. For example, “You are late, you are wrong, you are stupid, you have no brains, you can never do things right, essentially you can never do anything right in their eyes. Screaming, yelling, swearing, most often accompanied with gritting teeth, banging their own head, slapping their cheeks and throwing things to intimidate the victim and create a public embarrassment. Belittling the victim by being dismissive and sarcastic. Making them a butt of jokes in public, insulting their appearance and most often just moments before going out to an event. Dismissing their personal achievements and stake personal credits for the same to let the victim know they could never have achieved without their support. Control The abuser loves to be in a position of power and will try all tactics to make the victim feel inadequate and ashamed. It could be verbal threats to leave the victim, break the relationship, cut away finances, or simply threaten to commit suicide. Keeping tabs and monitoring every move. They want to know where you are, who you are with and what you are doing at all times. They might want to check your calls and text messages. Its like living a life under the scanner. A 24/7 vigilance of a torturous kind for a victim. One of the most common ways of control is by keeping all financial control, make the victim ask for money and make them account for every expense. Treating like a slave, dictating terms, ordering things around and get into vocal outbursts when things don’t go according to their plans. Its my way or no way all the time. Blame Game No matter what they do or how they behave, the onus for the same must be the victim. They blame the victim for their own insecurities and triggers. They accuse the victim for causing their outburst, taking no responsibility for their own behaviour. Gaslighting is a common occurrence. Denying everything that happened, making one doubt themselves. Guilt shedding to get their own way and accusing the victim by goading and then accusing of creating issues. Its always the victim’s fault. Blaming the victim for all their problems, accusing them of not being supportive enough, not doing enough. Basically, everything that has gone wrong is the victim’s fault. Emotional Isolation Abusers tend to place their own emotional needs ahead of the abused to the point that the abused is made to feel guilty for the abuser’s behaviour. Rather than focusing on self-healing, the abused is made to look at supporting and helping the abuser. Not allowing the victim to socialize, communicate with friends or family as a means of isolating them from all possible support to raise their dependence on the abuser at all times. Co-dependence One of the most common yet not realised facet of an abused relationship is co-dependence. Everything one does is a direct reaction to the abuser’s behaviour. One’s self identity has gone for a toss, having forgotten how to live for oneself, or do things that pleased one at some time. If one is consistently neglecting one’s own needs for the sake of the other, unhappy in a relationship but not able to take action for the fear of consequences, constantly side lining one’s own commitments to please the partner, seeking to look at oneself not in the mirror but through the abuser’s eyes (No! It’s not love!), bearing it for the sake of just keeping peace, giving, giving in and giving up all the time for the sake of the other, finding reasons to justify the behaviour of the abuser, then one is in a Co-dependent relationship. Verbal and mental abuse is just as damaging as physical and needs to be addressed. The key point is to identify abuse in the first place. The constant badgering, humiliation and criticism makes the victim lose his or her self-esteem and the reasoning to understand that the victim is living in an abusive relationship. If you relate with any of this then trust your instincts to tell you that you are being abused emotionally and mentally. Know and understand that this is not right, and you don’t have to live life like this! Say No to Abuse! Say No to Narcissism!