Featured in this article is Malini Letchumanan, who has opened her life and provided us with a glimpse into her story of struggle with her own invisible condition.
I could sense things. I could smell things. I don’t mean the way someone’s natural senses work. This was out of the ordinary. I was seeing things that weren’t there. I was very angry. I resorted to physical outbursts, beating my children, breaking and throwing things. My mood swings were highly unpredictable and most of the time I harboured negative thoughts. I couldn’t control my anger in any situation. I started causing self injuries as during these episodes, I ended up doing the only thing that gave me relief. I would bang my head against the wall. I had temper tantrums and sought relief by hitting the children, shouting at my husband. I had no clue what was happening to me. I could never go in crowded places. My surroundings would start to shrink, and I felt suffocated, an uneasy claustrophobia.
WB2kmlioaSDCtEephDMaaPKqgRs2eF6Q5pwZaLyNv5NtEPuNr2S2l3zKq3u0QC8Jabt7rvXrgQbvuBf6UHZhQdOR9HCi8mI7CFtZv81BA/s320/bsb1.jpg"/>
During the day, after the children went to school and the husband was off at work, while I was going about my daily household chores, I could feel her watching me. It was weird and almost like a second person living in the house with me. The presence didn’t scare me anymore for I knew I had no escape. She was there with me, watching me, talking to me at all times.
It might feel weird to anyone reading this but I even started having premonitions. There was an instance which concerned a very dear friend. I dreamt of her father’s death one day. I could never get myself to tell her this but what shocked me was the fact that a week later, her father breathed his last. I was terribly scared. I had no idea what was happening to me. My only respite came from the angry outbursts and how my family suffered. My eldest daughter, who learnt very quickly about my mood swings, was the biggest help along with my partner. If I am here today, I know it is these two who helped me through this.
For years I went through this torture not knowing what was happening to me until one fine day when I was made to consult a doctor at NUH in the year 2012. Post examination, I was recommended admission to the Institute of Mental Health (IMH). I went to see a Neuroscience specialist every week at IMH and my condition was given a diagnosis and a name – Psychological Disorder.
At every visit, my doctor would ask me to write down every little thing that I went through, for her records. I had to relive the entire experience once again and I hated these weekly sessions. I was made to go through and Electroencephalogram (EEG) to study the electrical activity in my brain and prescribed medications to help me from my suffering. For two years, I was popping pills and living the life of a zombie, in my own world, drowsy all the time. At none of these phases, did my family ever let go of me. My husband and my three girls, my world, stuck close together and ensured I was always protected from the society at large.
In the year 2014, I came in touch with someone who has been instrumental in bringing about a miraculous transformation in my life. I met her through my daughters. She taught them dance. I realised there was more to her than just teaching dance and we started bonding over talks and meetings where she introduced me to spiritual science. We spoke for hours and I confided in her about my state. From being a complete atheist, I started believing and practising “aanmeegam”. In due course of time, I realised my hallucinations were gradually getting lesser and lesser. Soon, I stopped depending on the medications and started finding more focus. I resumed doing things that I enjoyed. Photography has been a passion with me and so I decided to give it a direction. Navrasa Photo Arts came into being. I am happy to be doing what I enjoy the most and although the episodes have now become very rare, I feel blessed to have a strong circle of family and friends who have come to understand me better for who I am and don’t judge me. Malini – Invisible Illness Survivor Malini Letchumanan malini.letchumanan@gmail.com Photographer@navarasaphotoarts
Comments
Post a Comment